Alchemist Amuck
by Artemis Day
Summary: Sometimes, it's like the whole world is out to get you.


Edward ducked. Envy swung at him again, forcing Ed to evade the countless blows while at the same time, trying to protect his injured brother.

"Hang on, Al," he shouted, dodging another hit from Envy.

The suit of armor that was his younger brother could only manage a nod. Ed felt an intense fear wash over him as thoughts of losing his only remaining family entered his mind. Al had been on the receiving end of a rather nasty attack. Envy, honestly, never fought with an intent to kill, but something had gone wrong this time, and now a large crack in Al's armor, ending just above the blood seal, threatened his very existence.

Edward dodged another punch, this was becoming increasingly difficult. He clapped his hands together and transmuted a spear out of the pavement. Predictably, it was destroyed in seconds and Ed was on the ground with Envy pinning him down.

"Why don't you just give up, Shrimp," the homunculus mocked him. "You know you won't win. Just lay down like the dog you are."

"Fuck you," Ed spat in Envy's face. "As soon as I get up, I'm gonna-"

"Kiss me?" Asked Winry.

"Yeah," Ed answered without thinking. "I'm gonna- KISS YOU? WINRY?"

Indeed, Envy had completely vanished and now Winry, in a pretty white nightgown that clung to her body in all the right ways, lay on top of him. He would have wrote it off as Envy disguising himself to try and trick him, but a quick look at his surroundings put a lot of doubt on that theory.

The alleyway was gone, as was Al. Now he was in a room with red and pink décor, the kind you would commonly find in a love motel. This definitely wasn't within the realm of Envy's powers. Ed tried to process everything, but meanwhile, Winry was getting impatient. She grabbed Ed's arm and pulled him down so he was on top of her this time.

"Geez, Ed," she rolled her eyes. "Don't tell me you're getting cold feet. This was _your_idea after all."

"MY idea?" Ed shrieked. "I don't even know how I got here! One minute I'm doing a GenFic and the next I'm in a pairing fic? Not that I mind BUT IT SEEMS A BIT OUT OF PLACE TO JUST SHIFT BETWEEN-"

"Mister Elric!"

Ed jolted. The scene had instantaneously changed once again. He now sat at a desk in a classroom. A fifty year old, stereotypical 'Sadist Teacher' character bore down on him, ruler in hand.

"What the fuck?" The blonde alchemist muttered.

He followed this up with a scream as the ruler came down on his hand with a thwack.

"Do not use that language in my classroom, Mister Elric. I'll see you after school, in detention."

Ed growled and began pulling at his hair.

"Now it's a High School AU?" He demanded. "What next?"

As if answering his question, the scene changed around him for the fourth time. When the change completed, he found himself back in the love motel. Edward took a moment to let this sink in, then sighed and sat down on the plushy bed. Weird as this was becoming, the scenario with Winry was far preferable to almost losing Al or having to be in another High School AU.

He heard footsteps approach and put on a smile.

"Hey, Winry," he said, turning to face her.

He stopped dead when he realized that it was, in fact, _not_Winry who stood before him, half naked and with a lustful look in their eye.

"So," Envy said huskily. "Ready for some lovin, baby?"

"…Okay, stop. STOP! STOP THE FANFIC RIGHT NOW!"

The love motel and (thankfully) Envy vanished completely. Now Ed was standing alone in a completely white space, which didn't bother him in the slightest. After what had just occurred, ANYTHING else was perfectly fine.

Ed took a deep breath to calm himself, knowing it wouldn't do to just go off on the obvious novice writing this… story. Al and Winry had both drilled it into him: be polite even if you don't like the story's content. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and preferences blah blah blah from there, he tuned it out.

The blonde took a deep breath, and forced a smile onto his face.

"Alright," he began. "As you know, I'm Edward Elric. You're probably very new to the world of fanfic writing, so allow me to give you a few pointers?"

Nothing happened, so Ed took it as a yes.

"First of all, you need to stick to one plot," he instructed. "If you have a second plot idea, simply write a new story. Nobody is going to read if you're constantly changing the premise around every five seconds. You with me on this?"

Still nothing.

"And in regards to that last scene with…" he shuddered. "Envy. You should probably know I am contractually obligated to only appear as myself in genfics or shipping fics pairing me with my canon love interest, Winry."

As he spoke, Ed remained completely oblivious to the scenery changing behind him, going from blank to a jungle setting.

"Anything else and I am to use a stunt double," Ed continued. "I can point you in his direction. He's a very nice guy and I'm sure you-"

**"GRRRRRRRRRR…"**

Hearing the noise behind him, Ed turned around and saw a dozen angry jaguars crouched down, ready to pounce on him. With simultaneous roars, the beasts flew into the air. Ed screamed and took off running.

The chase lasted for roughly ten minutes until Ed's fear filled, irrational mind suddenly snapped back to reality, reminding him that (gasp) he was an alchemist.

Ed screeched to a halt and whirled around. Just as the jaguars where about to reach him, Ed smacked his hands on the ground, creating a huge hole underneath their feet and sending them plummeting. The hole, while not enormous, was deep enough that the giant cats couldn't get out no matter how much they tried.

Eyes wide and breathing heavily, Ed sat on the ground staring at them for a few minutes before his adrenaline rush died back down. It was replaced by anger as the jungle disappeared, returning him to the white void.

"Very amusing," he muttered sarcastically. "I don't know what your game is, but threatening me just because you don't like what I'm saying is immensely low, and in all the years I"

It took Ed a moment to notice his voice was gone. In fact, all sound had been muted, he realized upon clapping his hands together and not hearing the usual emphasized sound effect. Ed brought a hand to his throat and coughed. Nothing.

Eyes narrowing, he glared into the void, hoping the idiotic writer could see him and clapped his hands together again. He used… whatever he was standing on to created large block letters, forming four words:

HOW ABOUT SOME SOUND?

A faint crackling appeared, signaling the presence of sound effects. Ed nodded and opened his mouth to speak again.

**_"B'CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!"_**

Ed slapped a hand over his mouth, his eyes wide and his pupils shrunken. His rage growing, he became to scream again.

**_"HEEHAW! HEEHAW! HEEHAW! HEEHAW! HEEHAW!"_**

Or so he tried.

Now completely infuriated, he attempted one more time to make actual words come out of his mouth. This time he got his wish, they just weren't quite the words he was looking for.

**_"I AM A TINY, INSIGNIFICANT PIPSQUEAK SMALLER THAN AN AMOEBA!"_**

That did it. Ed could no longer think logically as he began jumping around in a tirade.

**_"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ! THISISSPARTA! LAGKHAFLKGHASDFKL;HA FRIDAY PINGAS DINKLEBERG BOTHER BIEBER MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DLFKJADSLGFAJDS I LOVE CHIPS FEED ME SHOOT ME I'M AN ELK WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH_**AND DON'T CALL ME SMALL!"

Ed stopped. Breathing heavily again, he forced himself to calm down and see if he could yet salvage the situation.

"Okay, buddy," he gasped. "You've had your fun, but you cannot put me in some sort of torture fic without a little warning. If you don't stop now, I'm going to- what's that?"

A sound appeared in the distance, growing ever louder as the seconds rolled by. Suddenly, a giant tidal wave appeared out of nowhere, bowling straight for Ed. With no time to act, the alchemist could only stand there in shock.

"Oh. My. GoRALOGGGH."

Ed was swept away in the water. It drained out as fast as it came, leaving the half drowned Elric behind, unconscious.

Ed choked out some water, and when he opened his eyes, saw a shadowy figure looking down at him, wiping their lips off on their arm. Ed squinted his eyes to get a better look at the person who'd presumably saved him with the kiss of life. Recognition hit him in an even stronger wave, as did disgust and shock as Envy smirked down at him.

"Was it good for you too?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Ed slid away on his ass as fast as he could. Envy disappeared again once Ed stood back up, his increasingly harrowed eyes seeking out the writer.

"Alright," he choked, his body shaking and his braid coming undone. "Let's just get this fic started."

**THE END**

**A/N: This is a gift for**

"NO! NO!"

Ed pushed the author's comment away with all his might. Coming back, he grit his teeth, looking very much like an angry, rapid dog. Not that he cared at this point, all he could think about was killing this writer as slowly and torturously as possible.

"YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!" Ed shouted at the narration. "Let's just do the stupid fanfic already, I'm begging you! How about a setting?"

As commanded, the white void morphed into a regular Amestrian street. Ed blinked and looked around, almost not daring to believe it. Surely there had to be a trick somewhere. Envy, a bunch more wild animals, Envy… but there was nothing. Random people walking around him, cars went by, salesmen pitched their goods to the consumers. Everything was normal.

His anger and panic filled nerves began to fade. This must mean the writer had decided to stop the games and start being serious. That was fine, he could do that as long as nothing else stupid happened.

"Okay, how's this going to go?" He wondered aloud, then stopped short and clutched his throat.

His voice just now… it had been _higher!_

"What the Hell?" Ed wondered, turning around to look in the reflective window of a store.

He saw himself. Or rather, he saw himself as a girl, complete with breasts, redder lips and longer hair.

A scream ripped through his/er throat, attracting quite a bit of attention from passerby.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Ed screamed at the writer. "I NEVER AGREED TO DO A GENDER FLIP! CHANGE IT RIGHT NOW, I DO NOT WANT TO BE A GIRL!"

S/He felt a sensation as his/er body changed, presumably back to male. However, a look in the window proved this wrong: he was now an anthropomorphic dog. A male one, but still…

"Oh, very funny," the dogman drawled. "Haha, it is to laugh. Now, how about you make me my _actual human self_. There's an idea!"

His changed again, this time back to his regular self. Satisfied, Ed turned away from the window…

And immediately flew back when an enormous black thing almost crushed him. Standing flat against the brick wall, Ed watched more long, enormous things fall from the sky and pick right back up a second later. It was a few moments before he realized they were people's feet, and he was now literally six inches tall.

The implications behind this were not lost on him, and Ed seethed with barely repressed rage, hissing like a teapot while smoke figuratively streamed from his ears. Suddenly, he grew deathly calm, and flashed an odd smile at the writer.

"Okay, pal," he said evenly. "We've all enjoyed ourselves and we're all laughing, now can you please put me back to normal?"

Perhaps it was because he'd asked so politely instead of yelling insults at the writer again, but Ed immediately returned to normal size, and the smile stayed in place every second.

"Why, thank you," he voice was not unlike a predator bearing down on his prey. "Now that that's done…"

He smacked his hands together and placed them on the pavement, producing a giant fist shaped rock that flew through the air and towards the writer.

"TAKE THIS!"

The pillar traveled at an alarming speed, and the writer may have been in grave danger had the rock fist not suddenly veered off to the right. It then flew back from whence it came, heading right at Edward, whose jaw dropped.

"Oh, fu-"

WHAM!

The rock he'd created's aim was true. Ed was sent flying all the way across the street over cars and people's heads. Just before he landed, a large black hole appeared directly under him. Ed fell into the hole, screaming the entire time, surrounding by nothing but blackness that was blacker than the blackest black (times infinity). When he finally landed, twenty agonizing minutes later, he was back in the void.

It was several seconds before he got back up, and by then, it was clear the unfortunate alchemist had finally cracked.

"Alright," he breathed roughly. "Enough is enough. This is the final. This is the _very, very last straw_!"

Ed began to jump around, flapping his arms and still screaming.

"WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS? THIS- I DEMAND THAT YOU SHOW YOURSELF! WHO ARE YOU? HUH?"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in the real world (sort of), a man in his thirties, wearing a blue military uniform, leaned back in his chair. He smiled smugly at the document on his monitor and enjoying Fullmetal's little freakout.<p>

The black haired Flame Alchemist chuckled to himself as he graced the readers with a brief glance.

"Ain't I a stinker?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Gift fic for Merides over on deviantART, as part of the DA Ranger Group's Secret Ranger event.**


End file.
